Dangerous escalators on loose at Birmingham New Street « Network Rail

Oops! See the full CCTV footage showing the “danger of escalators” at Birmingham New Street Station » Express & Star.

woman falling backwards down escalator

Don’t be fooled – those escalators are dangerous!

Network Rail has begun its Christmas 2013 Safety Campaign in earnest by issuing a video that depicts three numpties failing to tackle that most dangerous of obstacles: The Escalator!

More than one person a day falls foul of these evil mechanisms. In total, 418 “escalator escapades” have been captured on video across the UK’s busiest railway stations.

This result represents a drop of a fifth on last year’s number of numpties, when 512 victims succumbed to the innocent looking booby-traps. However, it’s still way too many for both the rail company and, of course, the HSE.

How dangerous are escalators to humans, really?

There are two distinct messages emanating from Network Rail’s harrowing promotional video, showing how mischievous these monsters of modern technology can be when left alone with unsuspecting numpties:

  1. if you’re carrying heavy shopping, use the lifts;
  2. if you’re wearing high heels, hold the hand rail!

The problem, of course, is that the lifts all smell of wee. Furthermore, they can hold no more than three Midlanders at a time.

The knock-on effect here is not the issue of obesity. No, listening to Brummies for longer than the 30 second ride between platform and ground level turns the elevators more suicidal than Marvin The Paranoid Android. That’s why so may break down. Literally.

But back to the numpties. Rather than exit an elevator smelling of b.o. and recycled ale, many inter-city shoppers would rather take their chance with an escalator escapade fail.

That’s it. Blame the beer!

Puddles of piddle aren’t the only concern, it seems. As well as warning about carrying too much Christmas Spirit whilst sporting Stilettos, many incidents are allegedly caused by inebriated travellers.

Let’s face it, many Saturday afternoon drunks would struggle to negotiate a stationery floor, let alone one rising into the heavens at such speed! But when you’ve had a few, the escalators, well…they’re a challenge, y’know?

There’s a very delicate art to holding your balance, holding that swift half you’ve purloined from the boozer and holding on to your dignity. At least without spilling any.

Everyone in this video made a full recovery. Please tread carefully!

If guys and gals can’t go out and have a few sherberts at Christmas without having to face the swathe of dangerous escalators reportedly attacking innocent travellers, I don’t know what the world’s coming to.

To date, those captured on film haven’t been fatally wounded. But if the menace is left unchecked, you could be the next victim ascending the escalator stairway to heaven…

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Christmas Premier League fixtures – far from the mad home crowd

Paul Whitehouse’s Aviva ad with the ‘Green Army’ hitting the road to watch Plymouth Argyle at Newcastle is a classic. Okay, maybe the game’s fictitious as far as Premier League fixtures go. But the reality of the time and expense for travelling away fans this Christmas was no laughing matter.

Premier League fixtures Sat 22nd December 2012

Premier League fixtures Sat 22nd December 2012

Irrespective of whether you can afford a petrol bill equivalent to Dick Mar Van Nostril Boy’s wages or not, the distances between the teams in the Premier League fixtures on Saturday 22nd December were ridiculous.

At a time when you need to be spending time at home getting ready for Santa, every single game entailed a huge round trip.  And when you start adding the price of petrol on top of the over-priced tickets, it’s an expense you could do without at this time of year.

Premier League fixtures at holiday time need more forethought

It’s easy to poke fun at the Janners in Whitehouse’s advert. But many football fans will follow their team come Hell or high water. In the post-Bhati Brothers era that saw Wolves’ teeter on the brink of winding up, trips to Brentford, Tranmere and Barnsley were commonplace. And those were the glamour fixtures.

In a strange turnaround, it is these lower league football fixtures that seem to have accommodated fans’ need for derby – or at least local – games over Christmas. Premier league fixtures on the other hand have no such forethought.

As Patrick Collins surmised in his recent article in the Daily Mail, football fans remain

faceless legions who can be shunted around the country at the whim of a lazy fixture scheduler or an arrogant television executive.

But it wasn’t only the distance of the round-trip fans had to contend with on Saturday. The Great British weather was also a factor. And not because of unplayable pitches, either.

The West Bromwich Albion football team didn’t arrive at Loftus Road until 2:00pm. Kick Off was subsequently delayed, making the day out to London an even longer one for the Baggies’ fans.

The blame was laid firmly at the feet of road closures due to flood warnings and the subsequent traffic in and around London.

It was the only one of the Premier league fixtures to be affected, but games from other divisions were also affected thus.

As you can see from the table above, the shortest round trip was 316.2 miles. For the Stoke fans travelling down the M6 (no picnic in its own rite) it would amaze me if any were away from home for less than eight hours.

And as for the Sunderland fans making the trip down to Southampton, sixteen hours minimum and the day after to recover. That’s just what every family needs two days before Santa arrives, arguments about ‘the bloody football’, innit?


Have Your Say:

  • Should Premier League fixtures be organised around locality over the festive period?
  • Or do the male-dominant away supporters actually like the excuse to be out of the way in the run up to Christmas that these distances entail?

Write your hotel, pub or restaurant review on Love Feck In England

Love Feck In England is a new satellite site for global Internet TV Channel, FeckTV.com, which is launching England’s page this very week (so rumour has it).

Open to anyone, the site allows people to share their favourite pubs, clubs, hotels and restaurants in the UK.  From there, that review is offered to the chosen establishment for them to endorse.

If said establishment is happy to run with the publishing guidelines, both the author of the review and the establishment itself are featured on the main FeckTV.com website.

Until the England page is published, you can see an example of a review on FeckTV.com Ireland’s Longford page with the reviews and photos straight across the centre of the page. However, we in England want to make our page the biggest and best in the whole of the FeckTV.com global empire.

With talented writers, article marketing knowledge second to none and a desire to be the best, it will be done.  We still have room on our team for a few more.  If this sounds like something you can do, drop me a line in the comments.

FeckTV England wants to be the best in the world

Sorry, I digress.  Our review criteria, therefore, will be perhaps a little more demanding than the ones uploaded to date.  It’s not that we’re trying to score points or level criticism at those uploaded, we just know what fussy buggers the English are.  Because we are, too.

If the content is not word-, detail- and picture-perfect, we’re leaving ourselves open to Briticism at its most cutting.  No thank you, sailor.

Even if the establishment is unhappy with the review or the terms, fear not; your time will not have been in vain.  The review will be posted on the Love Feck In England site anyway, guaranteeing that you, the review writer, gets your name credited as an author, either way.

And if you know the proprietor of the establishment that you’ve reviewed, they may even give you a starter or buy you a drink for taking the time out to write it. Win, win, win all around.  You’re happy, the proprietor’s happy and fecktv.com is happy.

That is, of course, if it is a complimentary hotel, restaurant or pub review.  If you slate it, don’t be surprised if you get flat beer, mouth-ripping Masala or the room with the leaky tap or lumpy mattress on your next visit.

Can’t say fairer than that, can we?

Never written a review before? Don’t Fret.

Comprehensive guidelines for the type of content you could include are included on the Love Feck In England article submission pageThese are guidelines only and although preferred, we realise that not everyone is going to be able to provide everything we ask for.

There are also ‘tags’ you can tick beneath the box where you input your article.  These tags help the establishment owner realise what sort of atmosphere and ambience their business is portraying.  They may think that they’re a 4-star hotel and cheap with it cheap.  Yet you may assess them as 3-star and fecking expensive.  Or vice versa.

fecktv.com has come to england

fecktv.com – has come to england

Depending on whether you are contributing a hotel review you have stayed at, writing about a pub or club you frequent or if there’s a restaurant that has Jalfrezi to die for but gives you ring-sting for a week, there’s advice to help you write the review article.

If you do get stuck, just save a copy on a word document and send us your query via the ‘Any Feckin’ Questions?‘ page.  We’ll do our best to respond the same day, if not, yesterday.  Given the nature of servers, it may be an idea to at least draft the article in a text editor like WordPad or MS Word first and copy and paste it into the Text Box.

And don’t worry if it’s just spelling or grammar.  Well, unless it’s the name of the establishment or location – Brixton is like Bilston and a night at the X-Factor bar could be totally different if the a in X-Factor was replaced with a u.  Just sayin’.

There are Internet content guidelines that we have to adhere to as well as our own drive to at least  resemble a professional outfit as best we possibly can.  We will make all of the corrections necessary to polish the review so that it positively shines amidst all of those other dreary, misspelt travel review articles.

So isn’t Love Feck In England like other travel review sites?

No.  There are critical ways in which we differ from Trip Advisor, Google reviews, Cheap Hotels, etc.

fecktv.com England

FeckTv.com – coming to Ing-er-land

We offer a far more personal service for both the reviewee and reviewer. If a review is written on another hotel review site, it’s there whether the proprietor likes it or not.

If it stinks, the pompous git who wrote it may well be clinically insane, didn’t get laid on hols or have a sense of their own self-worth that has nothing to do with the hotel that happens to be hit with the shitty end of their frustrated stick.

For certain, my wife visits sites like this all of the time and what some people expect for the money being asked is laughable.  That is why we’ve done away with category ratings.

So instead of asking our reviewers to ponder over impossible rating scales like: was it 4/5 for service, 3/5 for cleanliness, 2/5 for locality, three steps into the nearest bar, etc., we just want words.

It’s not just us, either; words provide constructive feedback.  The owner of the pub. club, hotel or restaurant can respond to a well-penned comment, good or bad.  How do they respond to ‘3/5’?

Future visitors, party-goers and guests also want detail, detail, detail, not scores.  And you, dear reviewer, want to express what you genuinely thought of the establishment without having to fit comments into some outdated ranking system.

FeckTV.com tailoring featured premises to a specific market

Let me ask you this: have you ever tried to look through every hotel on Trip Advisor for Dublin? 

OpenStreetMap Logo

Wikipedia: OpenStreetMap

You could have booked your flight and missed it by the time you’ve gone through the lot  That is not the type of site FeckTV.com intends to be.

For each page, i.e. city, we have allocated a certain amount of space.  For the different grades of hotels, for restaurants, for pubs and for nightclubs we intend to provide, over time, the best each city has to offer.  There are an awful lot of FeckTV.com staff currently rolling around Ireland half-pissed to bring you this information.  Heroes for the cause, the lot of ’em..

The reason is simple.  The way people use the premises we’re featuring has changed.  The 20-35 target demographic we’re aiming for wants to search online, find somewhere quickly and effortlessly and get it booked.  Trawling through list after list of hotel is for the codgers who’ve got all day to do it whilst listening to Terry Wogan in the background.

When young adults hit the town nowadays, even if it’s not so far from home, it’s more like a City Break than a night out.  They want to park up, check in, get fed, have a new pair of teef, get showered, tanned, changed and then go get rat-arsed without having to worry about driving home.  And, if they’ve lucked out, finally crash at the hotel they’ve booked into.

And that’s it in a nutshell.  If you’re heading somewhere, FeckTV.com expects to be that one stop shop – providing the savvy Saturday night surfer instant access to the hotelier, landlord and restaurateur.  In order to become that, we need the contributions of 20-35-year olds across the UK to build the platform for their convenience now and for future generations.

You can genuinely be a part of the UK’s cultural heritage with your name embedded in our review site forever by offering a review on Love Feck In England.  Sod the war, it’s now that Your Country Needs You! Get to it, soldier.