Peterborough – full of ugly dogs and bookworms

There had to be a reason why the Peterborough United Football Team were called ‘Posh’. Looking at their lifestyle guide, I’m starting to get a hint.

Billed as an 11-day celebration of free events, I got truly excited when I saw this article pop up in my feed this morning.

the building formerly known as Peterborough library

The building formerly known as Peterborough Library
(credit: wikimedia commons)

This article from the Peterborough Telegraph was the only one to populate my ‘UK Lifestyle’ inbox this morning – what’s up? Has England finally quit trying to be stylish? Yeah, thank you, Giuseppe. Did it ever start? Smart Arse.

Anyway – back to Peterborough, the beating heart of Lincolnshire. Or is it? I swear this is the truth – and if you’ve never been to Peterborough because you don’t know where it is, it’s no surprise; even the people who live there don’t.

Seriously, if you put ‘Peterborough Lincolnshire’ in Google, the first thread, #1, page 1, is people on Rootschat (must be a farming community – can’t beet it, can you?) arguing over whether it’s in Cambs, Northants, Lincs or Leics.

That probably goes a long way to explaining why there’s fuck all going on there.

Back to my fleeting moment of excitement. It didn’t last long and goes to prove why you should never put your faith in headlines.

Peterborough must be the dullest place in England

The first of the rip-roaring free events in Peterborough is hosted by…The Central Reading Group. What, it’s in Berks, now? Oh, Reading as in ree-ding. Even worse.

Oh, but hang on – it says here that it’s a ‘very unconventional reading group’…Wednesday 28th November (check) at 8pm (ooh, I’ll miss Emmerdale, but okay) in Woodston (Tom Tom will find that) at the Coalheavers Arms (getting better) this ‘lively’ group of men and women (mm, what else would they be??) have a pint, read a book and stay until closing time.

Is that it?  It looks like it.

Apparently, The Central Reading Group is just one of sixty-four across Peterborough. And even though they’ve got eleven libraries (fuckin’ eleven?!?), there’s obviously still not enough room as these bookworms spend all night in the pub, pretending to read Jane Eyre with “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” discreetly tucked between the well-thumbed pages. You know very well what I mean.

No, hang on. I didn’t just read that, did I? Shit the bed, I did.

The entertainment’s turned up a notch, now, folks!  If you’re near the Peterborough Central Library on Monday, December 3rd, between 1:30-2:30pm, you can go along to see…wait for it…

…the world’s ugliest dog.

And that’s not all, oh no.  To add value, local schoolchildren will be ‘reluctantly’ reading the ugly mutt a story.

Reluctant my arse.

They’re all practising to be like their parents and, if the people of Peterborough finally work out where their asses are at, just want to spend their entire lives watching drunks thumb Lady Chatterley in The Coalheavers Arms.

One final note.  Do you know the meaning of the word “opportunity”?  If you’re a UK businessman and you’ve got anything at all about you, you’ll be straight over to Market Deeping (a hamlet in the wild Peterborough suburbs where I actually used to live) to open a Kindle and Tom-Tom store.   Drop me a line saying thank you when you’re a millionaire.

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